Raging Hormones

Isn’t it weird how greatly our raging hormones can take hold of us and spiral us down a path we never would have approached had we been in our right mind? I find it extremely interesting, especially since I’ve been a victim of my hormones on many different occasions. Right now, I think I’m going through a stage that’s just confusing the shit out of me. For over a month now, all I can think of are babies. For no reason, just one day I got infatuated with the idea of a cute little baby.
I don’t want a baby, not now at least. I already have a dog and even he would be impossible for me to take care of if my boyfriend wasn’t co-parenting, which I guess goes for babies too. Actually, there is no doubt in my mind that I am completely not ready to even think of having babies for at least another couple of years. But, that hasn’t stopped my obsession. All of a sudden, I’m noticing babies everywhere, and I can’t even stop myself from cooing at their cuteness. I’ve never felt this way before, it’s like my logical brain completely shuts down for a moment, that I’ve actually been having internal fights with myself. I’ll be thinking of babies, and then all the sudden I switch on and go, “What the hell are you thinking? Are you crazy?” in which I respond, “Probably.” It got so bad that one month my period was late I was secretly wishing that I was pregnant, even though I knew I couldn’t be! I wasted money on pregnancy tests even, pretending that I’m devastated when really, I was hoping by some miracle it’d come out positive and my excuse would just be, “whoops, guess we have to have a baby now!” I’ve been trying to figure out what it means; is it because my body is at its most fertile? Is it because I’m in a steady relationship and my mind is automatically jumping to the next step? I’m not sure, but I’m not succumbing to it. It also made me realise, maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe that’s why some people too young find becoming a mom attractive, and actually go through with the pregnancy until they give birth and realise…shit. 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom have become my new favourite shows throughout this whole weird ordeal, and I made a point to watch every single episode, as well as go searching for any other baby related entertainment. I guess it gives me the baby fix I yearn for without actually having to give birth. It’s the weirdest thing because I realise how weird it is, but I can’t stop. I feel like I need to be around a baby or just hug a baby or something. Ah, the bane of being a female. Of course, I can’t wait to have children, but I want to be able to support them fully, not bring them into my living paycheck-to-paycheck life. I feel sort of frustrated that I’m wasting time thinking of babies that won’t come any time soon, but at the same time, it gives me that time to think and plan and make a logical decision instead of just…getting pregnant. So, my solution to the problem was to buy a notebook, and devote it too all of my baby thoughts. If I ever begin to think of them, I bring it out and write it down. It works! I’m happy to say, my obsession has subsided to just a stage of my life I’ll be excited for when the time comes, and my boyfriend is very relieved I’ve stopped planning our future children.