Twilight vs. Harry Potter: Part Two

Don't you love it when something forces you to have such a strong opinion, and you can't help but think about it all the time? Whenever anyone preaches the opposite of one of my relentless views I always feel sorry that they are so stupid, blind and wrong. But not everything makes me feel so protective of my reasoning and logic, and although most of the subjects I am persistent on are sometimes dark or hateful, I still love feeling so unyielding towards it. I love to debate and I love to rant (obviously), so I love it when I find something that satisfies my hate in every single way and makes me positive that every negative point I have against it are justified. One of these things is the series called Twilight. I read those four published atrocities, and have since witnessed the rise in it's popularity, but it seemed like I was the only one left confused. Have these people ever read Jane Austen? Charles Dickens? Margaret Atwood? Mark Twain? Can they not see what a disgrace Twilight is to the creative stages literature has been through? That is the difference between Twilight and Harry Potter: good writing.

Only an idiot could read Twilight and love it. Stephen King, who's published over 50 books and has received countless awards for his work, had this to say of the comparison between J.K. Rowling and Stinky Mormon, "The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good." And it is so true. The plot has so much potential, but miraculously seems to flop in every single way. Oh VAMPIRES? Cool! But they're vegetarian, they sparkle and they go to a regular high school...oh. BUT WAIT! Enemy vampires!!!!??!! Oh, but when they come they are either drawn off by a force field, or Bella just faints and when she wakes up, all gone! So a regular girl falls in love with a vampire??? AWESOME!!! Oh...the girl is totally dependent and has no personality, just like all the other characters due to the stupid author who can't creative write for shit and therefore doesn't know how to develop characters at all. Damn. Twilight is SUCH a disappointment in ALL ways. (P.S. You know a book is shit when it doesn't challenge your vocabulary ONCE or even a little bit. This is a person who majored in the English language? I DON'T THINK SO! (oh, wait...she studied in the States. Right.))

In Harry Potter, it's funny if you reread them from the beginning and see how young Harry and pals acted, and how much they have developed and matured with each year. In Twilight, it doesn't matter how much Bella ends up being with the Cullen family, after reading four books I still couldn't tell you any key points to any of their personalities. Esme? The mom? And she talks. Carlisle? I think he was supposed to be some badass that used to be in the Volturi, but I couldn't tell you any of his traits if you pointed a gun at my face. He's a doctor, but he's a vampire. That's as deep as that goes, so I guess you can assume he's nice? Emmett? He makes a joke or two sometimes. Favorite things? Hobbies? General air and presence? NO IDEA! Rosalie? Nope. Alice? Annoying because she's supposed to have a personality but when you're a loser all your life its hard to write a free, happy-go-lucky character if you've never had a friend or a conversation with relatable ways. So, she talks alot to Bella? I need some help, cause I'm starting to realize ALL of them have no personalities and are generally the same concept with minor changes in the words that they say.

Just give me ONE character from Harry Potter, and I can go on about them forever. Okay, here's an example. Ron Weasley. He's poor, comes from a big, old wizarding family. He has 6 other siblings and because of that often feels overlooked. He's also best friends with Harry, so I guess that doesn't really help, given Harry's the most famous wizard of modern times. He hates spiders, he loves Quidditch and his favorite team is The Chudley Cannons. He had a pet rat which was a hand me down from his brother Percy. He's jealous, sometimes obnoxious and big mouthed. He's witty but quick tempered. Hes' also a good brother, since he's protective of Ginny, but also, as I mentioned, jealous and quick to judge. His favorite foods are bacon and sausage. He's got red hair, freckles and a long nose (unlike in the movie). I can name all of his family members, along with his first cousins, grandparents and distant cousins, but just saying that proves enough. He wants to be an Auror when he grows up, like Harry, but if he had never met Harry and had to have all those magical adventures, I think he'd like to be a pro Quidditch player (Seeker).

Bella. She used to live in Tuscan with her mom, but left cause her mom was moving with her boyfriend. She doesn't like to exercise, respect her dad or make any friends. She likes guys who are white and good looking. She is ready to drop everything in her life after realizing a hot guy likes her after....a week? If Edward leaves she can go 3 months doing nothing at all. She wants to be a vampire because Edward is, and then they can be together forever! Her favorite hobbies are trying to convince Edward to have sex with her. In her spare time she likes to take care of her baby. She dislikes any mention of anything relatively considered intimate. I do not know if she has any cousins, grandparents or an ounce of personality. If you do, please inform me, for I haven't read Twilight as much as Harry Potter, strictly because I find it cruel and unusual punishment to put myself through that again.

Twilight pales in comparison to Harry Potter in every way. Twilight is also a fantasy novel, but everything to it's settings, it's rules of Vampirism and all it's characters are underdeveloped and even contradicting at times. So, the general quality of the book is far less than Harry Potter, and almost every other published novel for that matter. The difference between Harry Potter readers and Twilight readers is intelligence. Because Twilight was written by a STUPID person, it appeals to people with stupidity of equal or greater quantity. (Which, unfortunately, far surpasses the amount of intelligent people in the world, which is why a book as poorly written as Twilight can get so big. It's also why a person like George W. Bush can be elected president.)
The reason I name these articles Twilight vs. Harry Potter, and not Harry Potter vs. Twilight, is because Harry Potter is on such a higher level than Twilight, that it needs not be compared with Twilight, but it is Twilight that has to be compared to it.

P.s. Just incase you read this and think I'm another Twilight hater just trying to push Harry Potter, it's not true. I went into the series expecting good things, and was incredibly dissapointed. I read all the time and have read lots of classics as well as modern novels. I've never read anything as badly written as Twilight, and I've read HUNDREDS of novels.

Good GOD! (A.K.A. New Moon)

Yesterday I started watching New Moon. Started, because I was finding it VERY difficult to continue watching the whole thing in one sitting. I know I'm one of the biggest Twilight haters, so you must be thinking, "Why would you even watch it?". Well, Twilight doesn't seem like it's going away, and since I've read all the books I might as well add the movies, even if it's just more fodder for me to rant. But, about 10 minutes into the movie, I regretted it. Not only was the acting beyond horrible, it made me feel crazier and crazier each minute that ANYONE could even REMOTELY enjoy this CRAP. So, as I analyzed each expression and word emitted by the most terrible two actors I have ever had the misfortune of watching, I began to realize something; I'm really lucky, and here's why. I can actually look at Bella and Edward's relationship and know, without a doubt, that that's not real love. And the only reason is because I AM in real love, and when you're in real love Twilight is a joke. But to any intelligent person, that's inevitably obvious. But this is about the first part of the movie I painfully sat through, so here's my two cents!

The movie starts with Bella dreaming she's as old as her grandmother due to the fact that today is her birthday and she turns one year older than Edward! Her dad gets her a sick pale pink digital camera and a photo book and she shows her lovely side by saying, "Thanks (I guess), it's actually kinda nice." Her dad jokes that she has a grey hair, so she runs to the mirror to check and is seriously peeved he even said that!
"Very funny Dad! (insert Kristen's signature heave)"
So, she goes to school and she says to her friends, "My mom wants me to take pictures and make a scrapbook thing." (Gee, isn't that lame? She can't even be like PICTURE! and pull out her camera, it has to be her stupid mom's idea)
Then Edward's car pulls in and her friends are like, Oh great, Edward's here so I guess that means we have to leave. And when they do, she just gazes dreamily at his big SUV (UPGRADE!) and watches him walk all slow motion-like towards her. Firstly, I actually laughed when he came out. What is up with his face?? He looks like a clown that forgot the red lipstick!
Anyways, they go inside and have the most awkward exchange ever caught on tape with Alice and Jasper, and I wonder how that got in the final print cause Kristin totally BOTCHES her line delivery. It doesn't even make sense but, in Twilight style, they just move on to the next scene. Let's see if she can fuck this one up too.
The next scene is them in class watching Romeo & Juliette, and everyone is TOTALLY into it, crying and all cause that's how highschool boys are. But, surprisingly, Kristen isn't the worst actor in the scene...it's ROB! He cannot even hold his head in a convincing manner! I know he's supposed to be a vampire, but he's so stiff and awkwardly posing continuously that it would be impossible for everyone at their highschool not to think he was some kind of freak. He recites Shakespeare and GOOD GOD is it HORRIBLE!!! You can just see the memorized words swimming in front of his eyes, and he starts having a blink seizure that people usually get when they're really nervous...on film. Like, he's an actor!!! If you can't say lines....? Not only that but...doesn't anyone notice that he's probably the first British actor I've seen that totally sucks at doing a western accent? I can hear him fucking it up and saying things wrong with a little British flair. He talks like he went to Little Italy and thought everyone talked like that, but then when he arrived on set and realized that they don't, he combined the two. Kristen displays her best acting I've seen yet when she's watching on as Rob stumbles through Shakespeare. Maybe because it required no emotion, and she didn't have to open her mouth. I was impressed.

I'm gonna go right to the scene when Edward tells Bella he's leaving her forever. This also surprised me and made me come to a conclusion: Rob is a worse actor than Kristin! (If that's even possible) And now, I'm thinking she might just be so bad cause she's being influenced by him. Cause once she starts hanging out with Jacob, she's not even bad! She's actually, dare I say it? NATURAL! Very surprising.
So, I only got the part when Bella and Jacob see them naked boys jumping off the cliff, but up to then Kristin unleashes her super attractive and intense exhale/heave thing about 7 times. Yeah, I counted.

The funniest part, I think, was when she's in the forest after Edward leaves and she falls. HAHA! The fall was just SO unconvincing, and while she's on the ground, it's like she almost forgot that she was supposed to still be acting? She lying there like she's supposed to be lying there, you know? Like someone said, Okay Kristin, you're supposed to be on the ground now, and she does it. She's fiddling with her hair and adjusting herself when she's supposed to be fainted. Wow. Just wow. And of course, the part where she goes to Edward, "It's still my birthday. Kiss me." OMG probably the worst acting fail of generations were displayed in those two words. Damn, she is so uncomfortable to watch my body actually started to ache and stiffen. And the fact that she's as equally uncomfortable in interviews in real life makes it even worse. Her "Bella" is just her! She is not acting at all. You know why? BECAUSE SHE CAN'T!

So, I will torture myself more tonight and attempt to watch some more of this atrocity. I really hope someone who loves Twilight reads this and tries to validate their reasons why Twilight is even decent. That would be awesome. Till then, I shall continue to review this movie, whether it takes me 3 or 4 times, I'm determined. I will not let our standards of talent fall so far without a fight!

Please, Edward Me

Just came across a blog today that was talking about how Twilight ruins lives. Apparently girls who don't deserve to be called woman are actually leaving their relationships because it pales in comparison to the perfect Edward Cullen. Wait...are you kidding me?!?!? No joke, a guy made a comment that said he'd been with his girlfriend for 7 years! and they had just bought a house together until....TWILIGHT! dum dum dummmm! Which made her leave him. Another guy wrote he was scared because his girlfriend was reading Twilight and would regularily question him with things like, "Why aren't you more like Edward?" or, "Why can't you be romantic like Edward?" and even, "Why don't you have golden eyes and sparkling skin like Edward?" I am forever confused.

For anyone out there who actually knows and loves literature, I beg of you to go and read Twilight and tell me what you think, because I am beginning to feel like a crazy person. Not only is the entire events portrayed garbage, the writing! Oh god the writing is SOOOOOOOOOOO sososososososoooo BAD! But of course, that doesn't matter to too many people when Edward is saying things like, "Look after my heart; I've left it with you."
This book is basically the insecure girl's BIBLE. Of course you're super hot and desirable by everyone when you've been convinced your entire life that you're ugly, plain and out of shape. Of course everyone wants to be your friend when you were thinking you've never had friends before due to your lack of personality. And of course the hottest guy will have waited 100 years for you, is super rich, ever-lasting and, most importantly, prefers brunettes. What? A man who isn't attracted to good looking peole with fun personalities? I guess there is someone out there for me! (Says the millions of 13 year old girls everywhere)

The fact that Twilight is a love story and is most popular with adolescent kids says a lot to me. The book never one time shows any real example of love. And they are so BORING! Edward talks like an Encyclopedia. "Oh Bella, I've noticed that you are menstrating, and I was pondering whether or not it'd be appropriate if I could extirpate the blood throughout the entire process...into my mouth."
"Edward, you're not supposed to know I have a vagina! God, I'm so embarrased."
"If I could dream, I'd dream of you. I'm not ashamed."
That conversation has more substance than any in the book though. Oh well, I guess creativity can only be lowered a certain amount on request. Damn.

I thought reading the books was bad, but this obsession every teenage girl feels towards it is driving me insane. We get it, your going through puberty, you're at the stage where you hate and doubt yourself, yet at the same time you're horny, and ashamed of being horny. A guy like Edward coming along giving you the idea that you have a chance at anything like him is obviously very appealing to people who:
1. Have never been in love (and in a relationship that verifies that love)
2. Have never had sex (real sex with someone who loves you back)
3. Have never been happy with their looks and body (!!!!!!!!)
And unfortunately, this relates to A WHOLE LOT of people. This is what our world is comprised of. Scared? I am. Seriously, I really am. I know I've got some serious worries when I can read something like, "When he told me his doctor's name was Cullen, I instantly thought of 22 different ways I could injure myself." or "I used all my college money to buy a Volvo. My parents don't know."

Twilight doesn't just ruin lives. It is single-handedly diminishing the intelligence of millions.

The Celebration of Mediocrity

Never in my life did I think I`d have to live in a world were as early as 16, I felt positive I was much more intelligent than most people in the world. When you generate an opinion, obviously you feel more right than the person who`s against you, but sometimes things are EXACTLY as you see them. It used to be that you had to have considerable talent at something for someone like me to hear about you. Now, that is NOT the case. Especially with entertainers, it seems the focus has changed from raw talent, to looks, riches of family influence. Here are a list of people I can name when I shouldn`t EVER been able to.

1. Kim Kardashian

She's rich, beautiful and famous. But WHY? Here's why: after Paris Hilton, people were becoming famous left and right for their lifestyles. She has money, a big ass, and a sex tape. She is very lucky she's so pretty too. Have you heard her talk? Good god! Oh yes, and she's in one of those horrible parody movies where she shows off the fact that she does indeed have absolutely no talent. I think the way she has committed to that fake, stupid and vapid voice is pretty impressive though.

2. Paris Hilton

Not too long ago, she would be #1 on this list, no question. Now, I wasn't even going to include her. Yes, she got famous for no reason too. But after the sex tape and reality show, Paris either stepped up her game, or it was just the presence of Kim Kardashian that made me see that really, she's not so bad. I mean, if you can upstage Paris Hilton in mediocrity...enough said. But, that still doesn't change the fact that Paris Hilton shouldn't be known as more than a relative of the Hilton Hotel founder. The End.

3. Britney Spears

I'm not gonna say I don't think she's worked hard or anything, and I love her songs, but when Britney Spears went into that audition to become a recording artist, they should have said no. She just does not have the vocals. Another example of when vanity comes before talent.

4. Miley Cyrus

I bet if all of our parents gave us the opportunity to have our own show we'd discover that we might be okay at acting and singing. That doesn't mean it should be our career. And maybe her parents should have taught her common decency before they unleashed her into the world. Please know that putting your shoed feet on other people's furniture, even during an interview, is never okay. Learn some manners girl! She still needs a good spanking.

5. Kristen Stewart

I truely believe she should be number one, but she puts in a bit more work than the others so...at least there's that. But the truth is, her father has a lot of power in the showbiz industry, which is why she's an actor. But really, acting, I hope, is the thing she is WORST at. Never have I seen such an awkward person on screen. Never have a heard anyone execute lines so mechanically. I took drama class every year of highschool, and I've still never seen acting that bad. The fact that she is getting paid so much actually makes me angry. Has UNDESERVING ever been better applied?

6. Megan Fox

Everyone can see that you are very pretty, so please, be a model. Don't act.

7. George W. Bush

He's a great example of kids getting it all with the influence of their parents. His, however, is the most extreme case. There are so many things wrong with this man, that I'll have to save it for a post of his own. But I don't even need to list off any reasons why he should have never been president. OK, maybe one: He never legitimately won the first election. That's a big enough reason, but still not as big as what he did AFTER he won.

8. Nicolas Cage

A lot of people are gonna disagree with me on this one, but he can't act for shit. The only time he is watchable is when he's playing a character full of awkward quirks and ticks. Any other time he is incapable of emotion, and his eyes look like he's looking at something far, far away. There's nothing captivating there. And he is also a line butcher like Kristen Stewart; the original.

9. Elisabeth Hasselback

I know why she's famous! She's the poster child for the stupid, uninformed religious American. She's relatable to people who aren't famous and are not smart. If you've ever seen the View and have an IQ over 50, then you'll agree. You could mark at least two quotes each show to which she says something incredibly stupid that makes no sense. Smart blondes must love her.

10. Robert Pattinson

Kristen Stewart's partner in crime: The complete mockery of the art of acting. Look kids, you don't have to be good at something to have a career in it. Seriously, people are actually willing to pay you any amount of money for your "work"? Fuck you.

So that's the end of my list for now. There are so many others that I can't think of but I'll be sure to keep my eye out. And I did leave out most Disney stars for a reason: there's too many, and they all have the same lack of talent. That seems to be the 'in' thing right now. Oh, and they all have CD's when none of them can sing. i Carly? WHY?

Twilight vs. Harry Potter: Part One

A couple years ago I saw this article in the newspaper about these girls that were so excited because the last book of the Twilight series was coming out. They were all dressed up in weird fairy costumes dancing around and they were ALL girls. And in the interview someone had the audacity to say that Twilight was the NEW Harry Potter. Needless to say, this invoked some strong emotions in me since I am the biggest Harry Potter fan to ever live. I'm also a huge bookworm so I was kinda excited. A book being compared to Harry Potter? I thought it must be EXTREMELY good to ever be mentioned in the same sentence with my dearest Harry Potter. So what did I do? I went out and bought the first twilight book, took it home, and read it. And then I read the next one. And the next. I read all of them, and the only thing that got my through it was the HATE! I COULD NOT believe it! Not only were the books boring, predictable and totally sickening, they were so poorly written! I had to check the back and see who the hell wrote this mess! I still don't believe that Stephanie Myers even went to University. I mean, surely not! How this book even got published...! It just beats me. Anyways, while I was reading the books I would constantly take breaks just to turn to my boyfriend and rant about everything wrong with...everything! First of all, let's take the very under-developed character of Bella, who seems to have no need for a personality. She moves in with her Dad in a new town and is worried because she's never had friends and she's described as a "soft" person who hates exercise. And the word "soft" was ACTUALLY used. So at first you get an image of this average, rolly polly girl with no friends. Ok, fine nothing wrong with that. But then, when she goes to school...EVERYONE loves her and unrealistically fights to be her friend. Okay...wait what? It's all explained with the fact that her dad's a cop there so...I mean obviously all the teenagers would be bending over backwards to be the cop's kids friend. Hmmm? Then comes Edward the super stalker who is also a Mormon in disguise. He hates music? and only listens to classical and declares that the worst musical eras are the 60's and 70's. Right there I knew I didn't like this guy, even before you find out he watches Bella in her sleep before they've even uttered one word to one another. So the hottest guy in the town falls for the boring loser which in turn makes her even more boring and an even bigger loser. She decides to rebel against her overly nice father-who, by the way, gave her a CAR- and ditch all of her friends to hang out with Edward and have pillow talks about how much they love each other. Yup, seriously that's basically as fast as how it happenes. I like you. I like you too. Now let's talk about how we'll love each other forever and die together. I don't care that your a ...*gasp* gay vampire. Yes, a gay vampire. Because only a gay vampire would live for over a century, never getting laid and going back to highschool over and over again. Then the rest of the series gets complicated with the Volturi wanting to eat the soft loser because she knows too much! So in each book there's a build up of bad guys going- I'm gonna get her! and then at the last minute Bella passes out and when she wakes up...everythings solved! Like...WHAT!? I mean, I can't say that Twilight is a bad idea because it's great idea. There's so much she could have done with it..but did not. First, it's a slap in the face for any self respecting woman with an inkling of self esteem. She leaves her entire life for this guy. The first people to befriend her in her life, her dad, her mom! And in the second book he leaves her and theres like 50 blank pages for the 3 months that she's all depressed in. Even her dad's like...it's like your dead. Is it really THAT bad? That you won't get murdered by a gang of vampires while putting a whole family of gay vampires in danger. You have a new car, new friends! Oh wait, sorry you ditched them in the first book! Boo hoo! So instead of trying to get over herself, she starts to hallucinate about Edward to make herself believe that he's watching everything that she does. *PUKE* What if he didn't come back?- some may ask. Well, there is no doubt in my mind that she would kill herself and most of the world would rejoice. But unfortunately...oh wait he doesn't! she has to go get him cause he thinks shes dead. Too bad. But the rest of the series is the same..throw in a werewolf who's supposed to bring some drama but doesn't because oddly enough...he's the only person that makes sense in the whole series, so all he adds is some good burns on Bella for what a big retard she is. But he likes her? Why...I cannot say. Then the whole things ends with a big throw down with the volturi. But, a final fight scene that could save the series doesnt happen because?? Vampire Bella uses a force sheild and they all scatter so she can live happily ever after with her baby with the most ridiculous name and super Mormon stalker. The End. Oh, and of course the soft, plain girl ends up looking like a "super model" with her new vampire DNA. Is it just me or does this whole thing scream pathetic loser to you. I just know that the author is a fat loser who probably married her first boyfriend and has no concept of love and relationships. And alot of the dialogue makes no sense, as if this author doens't have a lot of experience talking to people or having close friends. Like, when Bella and Edward are married and come back from their honeymoon, Emmet makes very tame jokes about them having sex and they get super embarrased and angry and they have a "serious" arm wrestle so that Emmet wont be allowed to ever mention sex to them again. And I couldn't make this shit up. Anyways, I feel much more obligated to rip on Twilight since I actually read all the books but, I could go on forever so I'll make this Part One. So, in conclusion, Harry Potter wins. Twilight is BY FAR the WORST book I have EVER read in my WHOLE life. That includes everything unpublished I've ever read, including bad essays by highschool students I've had to edit. HOrrible.
By the way: all Twilight books read by me after the first were downloaded, NOT purchased.