Yesterday I started watching New Moon. Started, because I was finding it VERY difficult to continue watching the whole thing in one sitting. I know I'm one of the biggest Twilight haters, so you must be thinking, "Why would you even watch it?". Well, Twilight doesn't seem like it's going away, and since I've read all the books I might as well add the movies, even if it's just more fodder for me to rant. But, about 10 minutes into the movie, I regretted it. Not only was the acting beyond horrible, it made me feel crazier and crazier each minute that ANYONE could even REMOTELY enjoy this CRAP. So, as I analyzed each expression and word emitted by the most terrible two actors I have ever had the misfortune of watching, I began to realize something; I'm really lucky, and here's why. I can actually look at Bella and Edward's relationship and know, without a doubt, that that's not real love. And the only reason is because I AM in real love, and when you're in real love Twilight is a joke. But to any intelligent person, that's inevitably obvious. But this is about the first part of the movie I painfully sat through, so here's my two cents!
The movie starts with Bella dreaming she's as old as her grandmother due to the fact that today is her birthday and she turns one year older than Edward! Her dad gets her a sick pale pink digital camera and a photo book and she shows her lovely side by saying, "Thanks (I guess), it's actually kinda nice." Her dad jokes that she has a grey hair, so she runs to the mirror to check and is seriously peeved he even said that!
"Very funny Dad! (insert Kristen's signature heave)"
So, she goes to school and she says to her friends, "My mom wants me to take pictures and make a scrapbook thing." (Gee, isn't that lame? She can't even be like PICTURE! and pull out her camera, it has to be her stupid mom's idea)
Then Edward's car pulls in and her friends are like, Oh great, Edward's here so I guess that means we have to leave. And when they do, she just gazes dreamily at his big SUV (UPGRADE!) and watches him walk all slow motion-like towards her. Firstly, I actually laughed when he came out. What is up with his face?? He looks like a clown that forgot the red lipstick!
Anyways, they go inside and have the most awkward exchange ever caught on tape with Alice and Jasper, and I wonder how that got in the final print cause Kristin totally BOTCHES her line delivery. It doesn't even make sense but, in Twilight style, they just move on to the next scene. Let's see if she can fuck this one up too.
The next scene is them in class watching Romeo & Juliette, and everyone is TOTALLY into it, crying and all cause that's how highschool boys are. But, surprisingly, Kristen isn't the worst actor in the scene...it's ROB! He cannot even hold his head in a convincing manner! I know he's supposed to be a vampire, but he's so stiff and awkwardly posing continuously that it would be impossible for everyone at their highschool not to think he was some kind of freak. He recites Shakespeare and GOOD GOD is it HORRIBLE!!! You can just see the memorized words swimming in front of his eyes, and he starts having a blink seizure that people usually get when they're really nervous...on film. Like, he's an actor!!! If you can't say lines....? Not only that but...doesn't anyone notice that he's probably the first British actor I've seen that totally sucks at doing a western accent? I can hear him fucking it up and saying things wrong with a little British flair. He talks like he went to Little Italy and thought everyone talked like that, but then when he arrived on set and realized that they don't, he combined the two. Kristen displays her best acting I've seen yet when she's watching on as Rob stumbles through Shakespeare. Maybe because it required no emotion, and she didn't have to open her mouth. I was impressed.
I'm gonna go right to the scene when Edward tells Bella he's leaving her forever. This also surprised me and made me come to a conclusion: Rob is a worse actor than Kristin! (If that's even possible) And now, I'm thinking she might just be so bad cause she's being influenced by him. Cause once she starts hanging out with Jacob, she's not even bad! She's actually, dare I say it? NATURAL! Very surprising.
So, I only got the part when Bella and Jacob see them naked boys jumping off the cliff, but up to then Kristin unleashes her super attractive and intense exhale/heave thing about 7 times. Yeah, I counted.
The funniest part, I think, was when she's in the forest after Edward leaves and she falls. HAHA! The fall was just SO unconvincing, and while she's on the ground, it's like she almost forgot that she was supposed to still be acting? She lying there like she's supposed to be lying there, you know? Like someone said, Okay Kristin, you're supposed to be on the ground now, and she does it. She's fiddling with her hair and adjusting herself when she's supposed to be fainted. Wow. Just wow. And of course, the part where she goes to Edward, "It's still my birthday. Kiss me." OMG probably the worst acting fail of generations were displayed in those two words. Damn, she is so uncomfortable to watch my body actually started to ache and stiffen. And the fact that she's as equally uncomfortable in interviews in real life makes it even worse. Her "Bella" is just her! She is not acting at all. You know why? BECAUSE SHE CAN'T!
So, I will torture myself more tonight and attempt to watch some more of this atrocity. I really hope someone who loves Twilight reads this and tries to validate their reasons why Twilight is even decent. That would be awesome. Till then, I shall continue to review this movie, whether it takes me 3 or 4 times, I'm determined. I will not let our standards of talent fall so far without a fight!
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